Envy and Comparison
Jennifer Sarver – Team administrator
Jenn's personal blog - http://jenncsarver.wordpress.com
I grew up in Fort Collins, CO and moved to IHOP in August of 2008. I love the prayer movement and I am a deeply committed to the unification of the Body of Christ through the marriage of worship and intercession.
Though I am not a singer on this team, I cannot recount the number of times that I have wished that I could be a singer. It is kind of a secret dream of mine. And in a place where there are a myriad of singers and talented musicians, being an administrative assistant often seems like a meager offering. I have often wished for a ‘better’ gift from the Lord and found envy secretly lurking behind a veil of admiration. Many new days I have opened my mouth to sing and hoped that God had endued me with a supernatural gift to sing only to realize I sound the same as I did the day before. And more than the disappointment I feel, I find I compare myself to the singer on the stage or even the singer sitting two rows behind me. And after many, many days of this I find that self-hatred has spiraled out of control and I am running back to God to affirm me again.
And certainly I don’t begrudge these singers and musicians their gifts but what I find myself doing is questioning why God didn’t make me a singer. I have eliminated myself from new possibilities simply because I have a wrong view of what my outward expression of love should look like. Just because I’m not a great singer and can’t sing on the stage doesn’t mean I can’t sing at all. In fact, the Spirit is beckoning me to sing every single day. He is saying, “Sing to me. Sing of your love. I love the sound of your voice. It is sweet to me.” And the days when I actually choose to believe what God is saying, I find myself free to lift my voice to Heaven. No person may ever say that I am a great singer, but I want God to say of me, “I remember the sound of your voice when you sang to me and no one else knew or heard. You moved me with your song.” And this must be the prevailing voice in my heart. Not the voice of the father of lies, or the many critics, or even my own judgments of myself.
One way I squash a spirit of envy, comparison and self-hatred is by throwing caution to the wind and actually singing to the Lord even if those other amazing singers hear me. I stir up a spirit of thanksgiving, saying to the Father, “You made me perfectly; thank you for your perfect leadership.” As I realign myself with the truth by agreeing with how He has made me, I find freedom to be His little songbird. In fact, when I am in agreement and feel free I can’t help but sing to Him. It is a choice of bringing all of my weakness into the light and caring for my Father’s regard for my voice and my heart more than the opinions and accolades of others.
© 2012 Jennifer Sarver
Comments
If I could count the number
If I could count the number of times i've wondered... "Really, you gifted me with administrative talents... and then sent me across the world to be an intercessory missionary/admin assistant?"
Thanks :), this encouraged my soul.
God is administrative
I consider that every time I step into my admin role that I am getting the opportunity to share in God's nature. God is so very administrative. In fact, I would say He is the great Administrator....orchestrating all things, directing this symphony of creation, and serving us, giving us what we need to walk out what He has set in motion. I have considered many times that it is actually a holy and deeply necessary calling to be administrative. The difficulty often lies in the seeming dichotomy between being administrative and being creative. Sometimes I feel like we who have administrative callings and giftings feel pigeon-holed into one thing and all of the other gifts that are within us are simply left dormant and unfulfilled. That feeling is painful!
And I am the first to admit that I kind of give up sometimes on the creative side of my life simply because no one sees what I have to offer and because it can often be unappreciated. But truly, if I'm looking at Jesus, the Great Administrator, He is not pigeon-holed. He is creative, He is overflowing with life. When He is administrative He doesn't stop being creative. He is both simultaneously. And this gives me hope. I am administrative in this season and yet I can also be creative. I can also walk in my other giftings. And even I can pursue things that I'm weak at and ask God to bless them (like singing). And I realize in doing this, in praying to God for help in my apparent weakness, I am asking Him to administrate my life. I'm saying, "God I need this in order to do this, can you please help me." And the wonder of it all is that He says yes! We serve such an incredible, multi-faceted God. There is truly none like Him.
And I want to encourage you Heather, that in all of your hiddenness, and every time you do something that no one really sees or appreciates until it stops happening, that the eye of heaven is on you. God delights in your offering of love. The way you give is so special and important and our God says "Well done good and faithful servant. You are more precious than you know. Your worth far above rubies and gold." Bless you Heather! And Father, send her lots and lots of money to continue to be a missionary in the place of prayer.
I love this! It is so open
I love this! It is so open and raw and cuts straight to the heart! I love the advice you give at the end. It reminds me of the verse in SOS 2:14, "Let me hear your voice, Let me see your face, for your voice is sweet and your face lovely." God doesn't say, "if you are an awesome singer than I want to hear it, but rather I want to hear your individual heart & voice and it moves me. This is so powerful.
Thanks Naomi!
I love the SOS reference. Hadn't even thought about that when I was writing this. God is amazing.
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