Envy and Comparison
Jennifer Sarver – Team administrator
Jenn's personal blog - http://jenncsarver.wordpress.com
I grew up in Fort Collins, CO and moved to IHOP in August of 2008. I love the prayer movement and I am a deeply committed to the unification of the Body of Christ through the marriage of worship and intercession.
Though I am not a singer on this team, I cannot recount the number of times that I have wished that I could be a singer. It is kind of a secret dream of mine. And in a place where there are a myriad of singers and talented musicians, being an administrative assistant often seems like a meager offering. I have often wished for a ‘better’ gift from the Lord and found envy secretly lurking behind a veil of admiration. Many new days I have opened my mouth to sing and hoped that God had endued me with a supernatural gift to sing only to realize I sound the same as I did the day before. And more than the disappointment I feel, I find I compare myself to the singer on the stage or even the singer sitting two rows behind me. And after many, many days of this I find that self-hatred has spiraled out of control and I am running back to God to affirm me again.
And certainly I don’t begrudge these singers and musicians their gifts but what I find myself doing is questioning why God didn’t make me a singer. I have eliminated myself from new possibilities simply because I have a wrong view of what my outward expression of love should look like. Just because I’m not a great singer and can’t sing on the stage doesn’t mean I can’t sing at all. In fact, the Spirit is beckoning me to sing every single day. He is saying, “Sing to me. Sing of your love. I love the sound of your voice. It is sweet to me.” And the days when I actually choose to believe what God is saying, I find myself free to lift my voice to Heaven. No person may ever say that I am a great singer, but I want God to say of me, “I remember the sound of your voice when you sang to me and no one else knew or heard. You moved me with your song.” And this must be the prevailing voice in my heart. Not the voice of the father of lies, or the many critics, or even my own judgments of myself.
One way I squash a spirit of envy, comparison and self-hatred is by throwing caution to the wind and actually singing to the Lord even if those other amazing singers hear me. I stir up a spirit of thanksgiving, saying to the Father, “You made me perfectly; thank you for your perfect leadership.” As I realign myself with the truth by agreeing with how He has made me, I find freedom to be His little songbird. In fact, when I am in agreement and feel free I can’t help but sing to Him. It is a choice of bringing all of my weakness into the light and caring for my Father’s regard for my voice and my heart more than the opinions and accolades of others.
© 2012 Jennifer Sarver